What do expectations mean for adult children?

While expectations, which can be equated to necessary, expected, anticipated, or even expected outcomes, are an integral part of everyone’s life, those of adult children may depend on their own development as individuals.

Closer to unquestionable truths, these expectations begin in infancy and involve the basic needs of care, nourishment, and love of sustenance, clothing, and protection. Seeing their parents as equivalent representatives of God who never betray or harmonize, they are forced to put their lives and trust in them as they are totally dependent on them at this stage. However, those in the hands of alcoholic, paraalcoholic, or dysfunctional caregivers who never resolved their parenting quickly learn the fallacy of their expectations.

“Turning to an alcoholic for love and support can be like going to the hardware store for bread,” advises Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 2 ). “Perhaps we hope for a good parent who nurtures and supports our feelings, or a loving spouse who comforts and holds us when we are afraid, or a caring child who wants to help when we are sick or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations , it is our expectations (themselves), not our loved ones, that have let us down.”

However, a child newly created by God expects the same unconditional love, seeing his parents in an equivalent light. If there is neglect, abandonment, or worse, abuse, they are likely to justify it as appropriate “discipline” for their own mistakes, shortcomings, or lack of love in general and not my lack on their part; in other words, it is he and not them.

Because these expectations are more akin to fundamental needs at a young age, they may mistakenly believe that it is somehow their responsibility to reach out to, influence, correct, or make amends with their parents, shifting the burden from the perpetrator to the victim. And doing so can be the equivalent of penetrating a steel wall of denial with a plastic knife. As a result, any expectations of them are useless, since alcoholism is a disease that is not influenced by means such as reason or logic.

Forced to function in a fight-or-flight survival mode, especially in the midst of an unpredictable, chaotic, and dangerous home environment, the person seeks inner security by creating the protected inner child, but fails to become a fully-fledged, secure child. functioning. adult. With a hole in your soul and very low self-esteem, you may expect little of yourself but a lot of others later in life, especially as you see them through a distorted lens that tricks you into believing that somehow way they are so much more than him in terms of value, stature and importance.

But his illusion may soon be shattered in a fallen world. And while you may perceive them as superior, they are in their own imperfect and impermanent states.

Some of the unexpected expectations of an adult child may result from the ability to read the minds of others, never considered but anticipated. You can’t expect them to automatically know what your needs or wants are without verbalizing or demonstrating them, and it’s unrealistic to expect one person to satisfy them all. As human beings with their own distractions, distortions, and shortcomings, they cannot be expected to focus on the needs of others.

“Before I came to Al-Anon, I spent most of my life having expectations and making unrealistic demands on everyone around me,” according to a testimony in “Hope for Today” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. , 2002, p.180). “Anyone who didn’t meet those demands drew my wrath. However, of everyone I put under my jurisdiction, the person I was toughest on was myself.”

Perfectionism, one of the behavioral characteristics of adult children, is an attempt to fill the boring hole in the soul of childhood and make up for the lack of parental attention, validation, praise, and love. A single mistake, such as a misspelling of a word, for example, can rekindle a person’s deep-seated belief of inferiority and inadequacy and blind him to his many strengths and positive qualities. However, there may be an even deeper reason.

“Perfectionism and forms of perfectionism exist in all types of alcoholic and dysfunctional homes,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 36). “There is a difference between parents who challenge their children to reach higher and better themselves, and harmful perfectionism where the bar keeps being raised beyond what is reasonable. (It is) a response to a controlling and shame-based home The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being embarrassed if she is perfect in the way she thinks and acts.”

Because home environments are seen as early representations of what will happen in the world at large, adult children carry their traits and beliefs with them.

“I grew up with a drinking problem,” continues “Hope for Today” (op. cit., p. 22). “I carried the idea into adulthood that I had to be perfect and that I was responsible for everyone. Of course, I never achieved this goal, which made me feel less than, not smart enough, not attractive enough, just not smart enough.” good. To cope with my failure to achieve perfection, I focused on the character flaws of those around me. My need to be perfect fueled my concern for others.”

While rule-following actions and accomplishments may be viewed in a positive light by teachers, colleagues, and even acquaintances, the person delivering them may be more of the human-versus-human-action type and rigidly unattainable. His expectations that others will automatically like or even admire him may be unrealistic, predetermining his failure and allowing him to shift the blame from himself to them because of it. Instead of perceiving how others should feel about him, he must modify his own attitudes toward them.

Despite the inherent help of twelve-step places, you can bring your expectations to them.

“If I get impatient with myself, I can examine my expectations,” concludes “Courage to Change” (op. cit., p. 19). “Perhaps I expect recovery to happen overnight. I will take some time today to acknowledge my efforts and trust in the process of the Al-Anon program.”

Expectations, or playing games on a person’s mind with outcomes that won’t necessarily come to pass, can turn into disappointment, frustration, and anger if they don’t, and strategy shifts the burden and blame from faulty thought processes to failure of goals. the rest. to meet preconceived results. The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Echoing what may be the subconscious attempt to influence or fix displaced parental representatives later in life, the methodology is just as unrealistic and ill-conceived. However, the more complete a person becomes, the less likely your need to employ them becomes.

Article sources:

“Adult Children of Alcoholics”. Torrance, California: World Service Organization for Adult Children of Alcoholics, 2006.

“Courage to change”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.

“Hope for today.” Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002.

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