Mathematical formulas about behavior can never be precise, but they can be a helpful guide as you work through the confusion inherent in conflicting emotions. This is especially true in relationships that have suffered from chronic resentment or anger and betrayal of any kind, including emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and infidelity. Recovery from these kinds of hardships often follows a roller coaster of enhanced hope that collapses into fitful despair.

The recovery formula can lessen the roller coaster by providing a longer-term view of the process and by highlighting areas for repair work.

Two pairs of factors, drastically opposed to each other, determine the success or failure of the recovery process. The first is courage (how much you value your relationship with your partner) and compassion: your ability to see your partner as a human being who has made mistakes but is motivated to make amends and not repeat them. With little compassion, you are more likely to view your partner as selfish, untrustworthy, or evil, making recovery impossible.

The pair of opposing factors are resentment, which carries an impulse to retaliate, and ego, which includes a sense of superiority. Pursuing either will cause you to violate your deepest values ​​and make recovery impossible.

The Recovery Formula is: Compassion Value divided by Ego Resentment.

Value ( ) x Compassion ( )

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Resentment ( ) x Ego ( )

To discover your recovery score, take the:

o Marriage Help: Value Test and record your score inside the value brackets above

o Compassion Test and record your score inside the value brackets above

o Test for grudge and record your score inside the value brackets above

o Marital Problems: Ego Test and record your score inside the value brackets above.

Multiply the highest scores (Courage and Compassion).

Multiply the lower scores (Resentment and Ego).

Split the two.

The bigger the remainder of the division, the better their chances of sustaining the recovery.

The secret to improving your Recovery score is to work on building your core value and capacity for compassion, which will lessen the need for resentment and a big ego to protect you.