I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I think, okay, here is a girl who is capable of making a decision that she will regret in the future. (Richard Jenni)

I worked some gigs in the deep south… Alabama… You’re talking about the waiting room in Darwin. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

LA is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson, and when he shows up, he’s told there’s going to be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher) Funny quotes. Sayings Quotes.

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone from my neighborhood to my house, we had a huge feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone was going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old rug salesman get punched in the face and cry. (Larry Miller)

If I ever have cufflinks, I would use one for the pieces. (Steve Wright)

My wife and I take out life insurance policies on each other, so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwayer)
Famous quotes

My sister was with two men in one night. She could barely walk after that. You can imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)

I know a guy who called the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said, “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)

I met these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other could drive. (Steve Wright)

A father explains ethics to his son, who is about to start a business. “Suppose a woman walks in and asks for a hundred dollars’ worth of stuff. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But when she walks out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. 100 Now, this is where ethics comes in: should you or shouldn’t you tell your partner?” (Henny Youngman)