People often ask me if I’m married when they see the gold ring with the pattern of a heart on my left finger. I smile and say “No, I’m engaged,” or if I’m really not in the mood for details, I just say “Yes.” I have even been told that it looks like a wedding ring, since it is gold and I have no “rock”. There’s a reason I don’t have a “rock” and the ring is pure 24 karat gold (which I always try not to bend the band out of shape).
I am engaged to a man from India, where gold is highly prized and believed to be the best material for traditional bridal jewelry. The ring was a gift from my fiancé’s mother and both culturally and symbolically it was her way of accepting me as the future wife of her son. It is not an everyday custom for a man to bring an American woman home to her family and present her as his future wife.
Of course, when I mention that we’re in a long-distance relationship, I get a lot of questions, and the most popular ones have been: “How did you two meet?” “That must be really hard. How do you handle it? When are you going to get married? Why don’t you move here? Why don’t you move there? What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?”
That’s why I tend to avoid revealing details of my relationship to people I’ve just met, especially those who ask these kinds of questions. It’s clear that they may not be open-minded enough to try to grasp the finer details and efforts that a long-distance relationship requires. So ladies, this is how I handle these questions.
How did you meet?
In the modern world, more and more couples are meeting online through social networking websites or even apps. The couples have met on Facebook, Instagram and even Twitter. My fiancé found my email on a website related to job hunting in Japan, so it seems best to answer “He was my pen pal” which is the truth, except we exchange emails and handwritten letters . Honesty is your best policy to this extent and if the person asking can’t understand how you developed a relationship over online communication and visits, that’s their problem.
Or maybe you met while studying or working abroad or even while on vacation and having to return to your home country. Whatever your circumstances, there is no reason to hide the truth.
That must be very difficult. How do you handle it?
“We choose to handle it. I think my fiancé is worth waiting for until everything is in place and we can see each other every day. We communicate daily and try to arrange visits when we can.” When I’m feeling sarcastic, I sometimes want to reply that long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart or the needy. It takes a strong heart to get through those periods of time when you don’t see each other and the unknown projected events and timelines that a relationship could take.
When are you getting married?
This is my favorite, because I really don’t know. Haven’t you heard of immigration laws? Or maybe we’re just not ready to set a date?
Why don’t you move here?
Please refer to the reason above.
Why don’t you move there?
Your reasons will vary, but once again, I am frankly honest with my interlocutor. “My fiancé and I have no interest in living our lives in India and my lifestyle and commitments require me to live in the United States.”
What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?
This has to be one of the most insulting questions and I’m sure many people in intercultural relationships have experienced it. Why does it matter which country my future spouse is from? That is a personal choice and maybe my family is not racist. My favorite answer is: “They don’t care.”
I constantly have to remind myself that not everyone will be able to grasp the concept of long distance interracial relationships. Some people can be genuinely curious and not realize that the questions they ask can be considered quite intrusive or even rude. Then there are those people who seem to understand and connect with and don’t mind sharing details about my relationship and the person I love.
