“Provocative” can mean many different things to different people. What I am going to refer to in this article is those people who use negative provocation as a neurotic defense against their own feelings of rejection and alienation. Let me start by saying that my parents were somewhat provocative. They might say things that would provoke a reaction in me. He loved them deeply. But there were times when they said things that literally pushed me away and caused a negative reaction. Fortunately, in my family, teasing was not a pervasive pattern that led to extreme disorder.

As a result, over the years I found myself in a couple of provocative relationships. They didn’t work. I remember sitting at a table with my future mother-in-law and she deliberately picked a fight with me. I handled it wonderfully with a giggly smile and a confrontational comment.

Today, when I am in the presence of a provocative person, my initial reaction gives way to my true need and purpose in life: to give universal love.

As a psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience, I have seen many people and relationships bogged down by provocative statements that were pervasive and led nowhere except alienation and emotional divorce. In the midst of such a situation, you may be wondering: Are you trying to provoke me? If so, why? Did I cause this? It’s a dilemma, because many times the provocation comes out of nowhere and leaves you wondering how it started.

However, a provocateur (provocateur) does not aim to provoke your anger. But, that’s usually what happens. Some provocateurs are on the hunt for power and influence, and their need to provoke is a drive to achieve it. However, as with most teasing, rejection is often the result and the opposite of its intention.

There is an axiom that you win some battles and lose others. Understand that you are in a battle, especially with a provocateur. There is nothing wrong with seeking power and influence. But when the strategy of negative provocation is used, the wrong result is obtained. Negative provocation breeds rejection, failure, impotence, and impotence. Oh, one can get an early, quick and transient sense of influence and power, but in the long run it will invite rejection and distance.

One of the questions I mentioned earlier was, “Did I cause this?” This is an excellent question that will help you notice any learned provocative tendencies. I suggest the following strategy: Look deep within yourself and examine your family history for significant others who use or have used negative provocation as an ineffective strategy. Become aware of how you felt about it. I’m sure you didn’t like it. As a result, you may have internalized some of his provocative behavior and maybe even use it yourself, without knowing it. Now is an excellent time to examine and self-monitor your role in this type of negative exchange.

Try the following affirmation and repeat it over and over until it settles: “I refuse to be provoked. I am calm and clear and I wish to express universal love”. Repetition is the key.

Another strategy is to make a list of those situations in your life that smack of negative provocation. Examine how you felt and how you handled each of those situations. Take an inventory of the strategies you used. How did they work? What strategies would you like to use in the future when confronted with a provocative person? Sometimes you can just get up and go. But be careful what emotions you carry with you when you get out of the face of a provocateur.

If you see yourself as a tease, examine how your teasing has affected your relationships with other people. Take full responsibility for yourself and see if you can remove any guilt that might be keeping you locked into negative provocation. Examine how you want to deal with your own provocative behavior. If you want to get him out of your life, put him in project status.

Again, don’t blame others for your provocative behavior. Remember, it is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Keep hope alive! Put love on your main agenda and love will fill your life instead of rejection and alienation. Negative provocation is a love killer and can cause deep primal pain to others. (See Feeling People by Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.)