Knowing how to set appropriate boundaries can make all the difference in whether or not your relationship is successful. The topic comes up frequently in my counseling office, and most people think that limits are set by telling other people what the limits are. But boundaries are really something you have to create within yourself. Having the confidence to say “no” to another is an important aspect of boundary setting; but start by knowing what you want and what you don’t want.
The Tennis Match: Setting Boundaries and Taking Space
When one or both partners don’t have enough space or don’t feel heard, their relationship will develop signs of trouble:
• One spouse becomes a resentful caretaker, while the other feels oppressed and belittled.
• One will be alert to the other’s moods, often walking on eggshells so as not to disturb the other.
• You may threaten to leave to get your way.
• One wants more time together and the other wants more space.
These differences can create resentment, hurt, and power struggles.
When a couple fights, the flow of love between them is blocked; even when they really love each other. On the other hand, a couple who understands boundaries and who is committed to equality and mutual satisfaction are much more likely to create the love and partnership they deeply treasure.
Each person has individual needs for closeness and personal space, as well as other needs to feel nurtured, understood, and autonomous within a relationship. Some want the freedom of being close and comfortable; others want freedom to be autonomous and unrestricted. It is essential that you and your partner know your own needs and desires, communicate them, and then understand each other. Knowing what you want and what you feel are essential skills in creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. In counseling, I use the metaphor of the tennis match to help couples understand and respect each other’s needs for space.
To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. Instead, you must learn to throw responsibility and power back and forth like a tennis ball.
This can start in the early stages of dating or making a new friend. Start by making a move to show the other person that you’re interested in being close, then sit back and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him out for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him make the next invitation. You can do the same in an already established relationship: if you feel ignored, back off a bit, no drama, and your partner will come closer to you. If you’re feeling overwhelmed because your partner is being overly aggressive, step up and take the initiative, or say a simple “no thanks” (see below).
The idea is to establish a balance in your relationship, which can be difficult to achieve if you have a strong interest in the other person or if the two of you have developed an unbalanced interaction. Going too hard into the relationship can alienate the other person or disguise a lack of interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep throwing balls over the net if they don’t come back to you. On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to hit the ball, you’re not playing very good tennis either. It is essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest and can cut off communication. If you compare what’s happened in the relationship so far to a game of tennis, you’ll quickly see if you’ve been too passive or too aggressive.
The tennis match: volley the conversation
The tennis match is so central to balancing all your relationships and allowing them to find their appropriate levels that I have developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Following the guidelines will help you and your partner understand each other’s needs and desires, and create natural boundaries that feel comfortable. It will give both of you the space and balance to show that you are interested in what the other is saying and that you want to hear more. Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face-to-face, you have to keep the conversation going back and forth, what I call the tennis match.
Tennis match guidelines to understand your partner
• Take turns: Allow space for your partner to open topics, express their opinion, gather thoughts and express opinions. Don’t jump right into a rest if it’s not your turn.
• Focus: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying, don’t get distracted by what you want to say next.
• Volleyball (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly, letting them know that you heard and understood what was said and, if possible, that you have similar thoughts or experiences.
• Don’t argue: There is definitely a place for lively discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your goal is to establish understanding.
• Return Service: At the end of what you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think so?” Or what do you think?” or, make your answer to a question.
• Serve again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that has been said before and give him plenty of time to express his opinion.
If their tennis match lasts long enough, they will learn a lot about each other and both will feel like they have “a lot to talk about.” The approach to the game of tennis is not rigid, but a flexible attitude that you can adapt to almost any situation.
say no
When you find yourself with a partner who is aggressive and overwhelms you with too many words, too much emotion and drama, or too much attention, you need to learn to set boundaries. If you’re interested in maintaining the relationship, you also need to learn how to step up and hit the ball in your partner’s direction. Learning to say ‘no’ or even to keep quiet in a neutral way is not necessarily easy, but it is essential to avoid uncomfortable situations. Be polite but firm when you say “no thanks” and you will avoid being imposed on by the other person. Often, saying nothing is the best tactic. Wait until your braggart runs out of energy and then you can make your statement.
If you don’t actually ask any questions, you don’t need to volunteer, no matter how sad the story. If you are asked a direct question, you can learn to be polite and say, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” If that’s too hard, say you have to check with someone else (your calendar, your spouse, your kids, your boss, your pets) or think about it before you answer. If you’re having trouble saying no in person, use email or call when you know the other person won’t be there and leave a polite refusal on your voicemail. Often saying no is an unconscious test. If you’re not sure if they respect you, value you, or care about you, you may want to say “no.” After you say no, if your refusal is handled with respect, care, and consideration, your questions may go away and you may change your mind.
Review a scene from a situation where you want to say “no,” such as with a demanding neighbor, partner, or family member, and practice saying “no” in several different ways in your imagination. Look on TV and in movies for examples of people saying “no” with grace and dignity (you can find them if you search) and imitate them.
