It only takes a spark

to light a fire,

and soon everyone around

It will warm up to its radiance…

That old song, called “Pass It On,” used to be a popular ending for campouts and church retreats. Everyone would gather in a circle in the dark with an unlit candle, and while they sang the song, a candle would be lit. That candle was then touched to the wick of another, and the person holding that candle turned to the next, and so on, until all the candles were lit and the darkness was gone.

It only took a spark.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about goodness that way: how it’s passed from person to person, with the potential to light up the world.

For the past 30 years, I have been listening to people’s stories, the stories of their lives and what made them who they are. Everyone has these stories of events from their past that caused them happiness or unhappiness.

One thing I’ve learned in all this time is that we affect each other, and how we treat others is important.

There is no avoiding the cruel fact that the actions of the people we are raised with matter. Some parents are loving, understanding and kind, but then there are those who are cruel or even abusive. The words of such parents can have a lasting impact, with statements like “I wish you had never been born” or “You’ll never amount to anything.” This can become part of a playlist your kids return to over and over again throughout their lives, because it’s incredibly difficult to switch to a different soundtrack when one is so embedded in our subconscious.

Cruel words are sadly common, but physical or even sexual cruelty applies to children as well, and memories of these actions can reverberate for years as well.

You may know someone who had a very challenging childhood, and if you did, you likely saw the ripple effect of that early trauma. These people may leave their childhood and families in the past, but as adults they may go on to instigate abuse in their own relationships, or they may numb themselves with drugs and alcohol.

Even if they avoid physical abuse of themselves (through substances) or others (through violence), people raised in an atmosphere of cruelty may resort to being cruel to the people in their lives: the people that love. What we see in these situations is a cycle of pain that is passed from one generation to the next.

One thing that has surprised me over the years is that I have met people who went through incredibly difficult childhoods and have done very well. We could see this result as apparently miraculous. How they did it? How did they end the cycle of pain?

This is a subject that I have explored very carefully for decades, and what I have found is that love leaves its mark on people’s lives. When people who have had a challenging upbringing become helpful and loving and kind, I think we are seeing ripples of a loving presence that left its mark on their lives, perhaps outside of the home.

I truly believe that no matter how challenging our young lives have been, someone probably loved us unconditionally. Someone showed us unconditional kindness, even in the darkest hours. It could be anyone. Are they angels? Are they beings that were sent to help us? Whatever they are, they are with all of us, and the spark of their loving kindness passes over and over again.

I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t had someone in their life show them some kindness, some love, even when it seemed like everyone else in their life was cruel to them.

Here’s what I know about kindness: It has a ripple effect. Love of a single kind, angelic presence can emanate from them in wave after wave after wave, washing over and through us and continuing to touch those in our path. For some, even with the horrible things going on in their lives, they can take this goodness and turn it into something beautiful.

All of us have opportunities in our lives to be kind to others, to say something encouraging, to treat them in a friendly way, to show expressions of kindness toward them, and when we do this, we create a wave of kindness that radiates in two directions: out and in.

The kindness that you radiate towards others can help improve their lives by giving them hope, helping them through difficult times, or putting a smile on their faces. Often we don’t know the effects of our kindness on others, but we can be sure that it makes a difference. It could be that someone goes home with a happy heart and is therefore more likely to share the kindness with their loved ones, perhaps the children.

And beyond eliciting a simple smile, stopping and taking time to be kind to others could lift them out of their dark despair. It may help them when we don’t realize they’re having a hard time. It might even save a precious life from ending in suicide. We don’t know how far our airwaves extend, but I believe that sometimes they can go very far, and only with the mindset of love and care, we can help others to live a better life.

Kindness is a source of hope for the hopeless. Open the door to positive possibilities. When others are nice to us and they really don’t have to be, we take it in. We say, “Oh, maybe there is love, and maybe I can let that love in and even love myself.” Even if we feel like we don’t deserve kindness, we understand that someone else feels differently about us and our worth. Kindness loosens our bonds to let that love in, and as a result, we can begin to show compassion toward our own pounding heart.

The ripple effects of kindness affect the people we come into contact with and the people they meet after they leave us, and there is every reason to hope that the pace will just keep going and going and going. “It only takes a spark,” as the song says. The more kindness we show, the more the world around us will become a much more beautiful place. There is so much negativity and darkness in our world, but our kindness can be a light.

I remember once taking a tour of a cave. There is a time on most of these tours where the guide turns off the lights and there is no darkness like that. It is a fact of physics that light cannot bend; You can only travel in a straight line. Once we’re in a cave like that, we’ve moved through narrow passages and around corners and up and down slopes, and there was no way a ray of light would follow us there. That would be physically impossible.

If someone in the tour group had a watch with a glowing dial or illuminated digital display, what a difference that would make! That light, imperceptible in daylight, would be so bright in a dark cave because it is the only source of light to be found. Kindness is like that. When we are in our darkest places, the spark of the simplest friendly gesture can light up our lives and guide us on our way.

When the lights finally come on in this part of the standard cave tour, what an experience that is. It’s almost blinding. Perhaps this would be considered low light under normal circumstances; maybe there is almost no light at all. But kindness shines through when people are desperate or struggling, and we can help people navigate by our example.

For the people in our daily lives, our friends and family members, we have the opportunity throughout the day to share our kindness with them. Where we can come home to them and tease them, tease them or tease them, we can choose a loving word that can encourage and lift them up. This is something we can do throughout the day, wherever we are.

I have often counseled couples who were having relationship difficulties. The main thing I try to convey to them is the importance of a tender word. I encourage you to say something kind to them throughout each day to give them hope and help them feel love. We experience love through kindness, in romantic relationships, but also in our daily lives. For example, in the workplace, if we are a supervisor with employees who report to us, we can correct them, but for each correction, we must also give dozens of words of encouragement.

Sometimes people choose to be nasty to us. When this happens, a good option may be to walk away and put distance between ourselves and the ugliness. Another alternative? We can be kind to the person who has chosen to treat us cruelly. We are never obligated to give to those who take from us, emotionally or otherwise, but it is an option we might want to try, and a powerful one. As unlikely as it may seem, kindness is one of the most important forces in the universe.

I mentioned that kindness can radiate to others, but it can also radiate to ourselves. When this happens, we open ourselves to happiness.

The truth is that happiness is only possible through kindness. We will not find happiness in our hearts if we treat others unkindly, because kindness is part of the path to happiness. Honestly, we need to be kind to others if we want to find peace in our lives.

Those people who are kind are much more likely to be happy in life. You don’t have to look in the mirror and say, “I’m a cruel, unkind person.” Instead, they can say that even if people treat them badly, they can still be kind to others.

It is really important that we understand the value of maintaining boundaries when dealing with cruel and sadistic people. Everyone needs kindness in their lives, but those who would choose to abuse you don’t need their kindness to come from you. If someone is being mean to you in your life right now, you need to recognize that you have the right to get up and leave, and if someone is being physically or sexually abusive, you need to find a way out of that situation the moment you do. you can do it safely. There are resources to help, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Beyond the abuse, many of us find the world not a kind place, but even when we see others cause misery and unhappiness, we can choose to be that clock in the cave, or that circle of candles, a lit wick. to the next until night begins to resemble day. When we take advantage of the many opportunities we have to be kind throughout the day, we can feel the effects of kindness within us, radiating through self-love.

There are many parts to living a happy life, but one of the main ones is kindness. I doubt that you or I will ever meet a truly happy person who is not kind, because a person who is not kind will never find happiness. The ripple effects would be very detrimental to themselves and to others in their lives.

You are reading this because you want a life full of happiness. Maybe we all want a life like this, but you have taken steps to embrace happiness and welcome it into your life. I have been talking about happiness for quite some time, with individuals, with groups, with listeners and readers in various formats. I am always promoting the value of meditation: of finding that still small voice within, of getting in sync with nature, of slowing down our hectic lives. I suggest making time for pleasure and counting our blessings. But one of the most important means to be happy is kindness. It is the only component of a happy life that has no substitute and that must be our fixed point if we want to know the happiness we seek.

All of us are here in this human existence so that we can be happy and at peace. We can create happiness in ourselves by one means more than any other: by being kind. And because goodness extends outward, we can make the world a better place by working to cultivate goodness in others.