The main theme of the biggest TV hit of the year, Desperate Housewives, is that despite their beautiful clothes, perfect bodies, and lavish lifestyle, the women who live on Wisteria Lane are miserable. They struggle to find happiness by achieving a set of impossible social standards for women. And they invariably fail because they look for fulfillment in all the wrong places: in wealth, in power, in beauty, and in other people.

We watch the show because some of what the characters experience is familiar. We have all felt the pressure to conform to rigid ideas about beauty, to seek pleasure in possessions, and to seek fulfillment in men. So we watch, we socialize, and we laugh at the absurd situations they get into. Deep down, we wonder if the women on the television screen will ever discover the truth: that we can define happiness for ourselves. To do this, we must be true to our individual hopes, dreams, and values, what I call the Real Self. That version of the hit portrayed on Desperate Housewives just doesn’t work for most of us.

If you see too much of yourself when you watch The Housewives on TV, here are some things to keep in mind as you strive to be Real in a world that sometimes makes us feel a little hopeless.

• All that money can buy is not enough.
• The inside is always more important than the outside.
• Perfection at home often hides an emotional emptiness and a lack of fun.
• Sexual conquests are empty. True love is about the relationship.
• Cutting off large sections of your real self can be disastrous.
• Drugs and alcohol can temporarily ease your pain. But if you are not Real, you still wake up desperate.
• A husband or child is a Real person, not an object to be managed or controlled.
• Children are not small adults and should not be the best friends of a parent in need.
• Secrets and lies are always toxic.
• Infidelity is a sign that your relationship is not Real.
• When you are not Real, you are desperate.
• The key to true happiness is empathy for yourself and others.