If you have a high school student, you may be considering preparing your student for college. If so, take an honest look at your child and the home environment, and determine their strengths and needs, but also what may hinder their success in college. Students whose family life can be characterized as a life of privilege or rights (and / or a life of indulgence) or as a life of emotional neglect (if not also financial or physical neglect) are often the ones who fail to make it to a degree. academic.
The two terms, privilege and neglect, represent the two ends of the continuum that most parents struggle with: trying to get involved in their children’s lives but not suffocate them; trying to help, while getting out of the way at the same time. And it usually takes more than finding a happy middle ground.
Children who grow up having their way, whose parents don’t set clear expectations and consequences, whose “I want”; They are often complacent, often becoming the college student who angrily demands to be immediately moved from her dorm when a conflict arises, while claiming that it was the roommate’s behavior that caused the problem. These same students are the ones who express dismay or outrage that an argument with a roommate the night before an exam does not entitle them to take a make-up exam. These students are surprised that parking tickets have to be paid, not ignored; that property damage resulting from a party is the responsibility of the host, even if the guests were not invited.
Most of today’s kids have experienced a “time out” for pushing, shoving, not sharing, or tantrums. Once children become teenagers, many parents either forget to impose consequences or are inconsistent, recoiling under a barrage of adolescent logic. Teen parenting becomes more confusing if the consequences come from someone else. We may instinctively jump in defense of our child, but our son or daughter may have, in fact, made the first hit, cheated on a test, or yelled at the referee. While it’s natural for teens to push boundaries, it’s also important for parents to set consequences for their teens to see and learn those boundaries. Parents need to remember that when their legal adult students go to college, Mom and Dad will not be there to rescue or protect them, nor should they be. Those 18 years old will need to function as adults, make their own decisions, and maneuver effectively in their new environment.
At the other extreme of parenting, there are parents who take the attitude that once their child turns eighteen, he is out of the house and alone. While some students can cope, most cannot. Students whose parents don’t call or write, don’t visit the student’s campus or dorm or apartment, or don’t get involved when the student gets into legal trouble or starts to suspend classes – these are students who quickly disappear from campus.
It should be noted that all forms of negligence are not relatively easy to recognize. There are parents who worry about how to help a depressed, lost, or unsuccessful student, but may be intimidated by the idea that they are interfering. Parents who want to help often call college counselors, dorm supervisors, or student advisers to discuss their students’ situation. These parents are concerned, but are reluctant to talk to their student because they do not want to interfere. Add to this privacy laws that prohibit university staff from discussing specific details, and parents end up frustrated and immobilized. However, when a student is in trouble, that is when the parents should be involved, even if the student does not want to admit that they need help.
Intervention when a student is in trouble is not the kind of involvement that constitutes a parent trying to rescue a student from the consequences of their actions. Rather, you are trying to constructively help the student deal with the consequences they already face so that they can recover and move on. In these situations, parents must help the student create options and make new decisions so that they can be successful in their college experience.
