Men’s sense of identity is often tied to abilities, they are more interested in what they can do. While a woman can get a quick boost from a personal compliment, for a man, a compliment about a skill or talent is likely to get him that same boost faster. Please don’t confuse this to mean that men are not in tune with their inner selves, because many of them are. Many men have gone through the process of exploring the depth of their souls and come to appreciate who they are in great measure. For these men, being able to see, appreciate and recognize that inner peace and trust in him can be of great help. Of course, in most cases, that would require getting to know this person on a deeper level and taking the time to see those more intimate qualities.

There are some things on the surface that can help. Making a man feel needed is often a sure way to get there. Unfortunately, today’s independent women have been undermining this little tool. You pay your own bills, you can change your own tires or call Triple A, and you’ll hire someone to mow the house you bought. Every once in a while, though it wouldn’t be so bad to let him help with some of the manly things, like the car or something around the house. You know you could take care of that, but it’s nice that he does it for you and it relieves you of the pressure or responsibility of having to handle it. One less thing to worry about.

This brings me to my next point. When a man does something for you, either because you couldn’t do it or because you let him help you, be grateful. People want to help, but no one wants to feel unappreciated. No matter how small or large the action, it is important that you know that your efforts are appreciated. Otherwise, you’ll have no incentive to want to help again, and you’ll both be denied the chance to step up and do more of these things that should make you feel good.

The rewards are great at any age. The last thing I asked of a man was for him to come tighten the lug nuts after changing a tire. Do you think after he came to do this in the middle of his workday that I planned something special for him? You better believe it! He needs to know that he is appreciated. Telling him honestly is good, but it’s also good to do things for him. And this does not mean going all out. It could be as simple as a special dinner planned with his preferences in mind. This is simple enough that it can be done by a friend or his man.

Treating a man special is something that is often overlooked, but it is a great tool. Many men will say that this is not their thing, but a spa day is a great gift. The massage, facial, mani/pedi can all suit the manly man (in my immaturity, I still laugh at clear nail polish). In today’s toughest economic times, it may not be as easy to pay for a day at the spa, but providing all the services at home can work just as well.

Game day preparations are also a big hit with sports fans. Whether you prepare everything and leave after your kids come over, or it’s a party for two (if you’re LOOKING The game too); when you plan it with him in mind, he will feel it.

Taking it to the game is something that can work with your man or any other man in your life. One day about him, where he is picked up (you drive no matter the distance) and he takes care of everything until he is dropped off at home. When you take the trouble to make a day about someone, it says “I think you’re important,” and it validates this person’s place in your life. You’ll also think, “I must be really important for someone to go to the trouble of planning a day for me,” and that will have a positive impact on your self-view as well. Everyone wants to feel like they matter.

Appearance is also important. Just as a woman likes to hear that she is beautiful when she gets ready, the man will enjoy it too. Men also strive to smell good, so when you smell good that too is to be congratulated. Smiles, teeth, eyes, and whatever else comes up are also good targets for compliments. The trick to making the biggest impact with a compliment is to start with it. When a person compliments you first, there is that rule of courtesy that you feel the need to return it. No matter how genuine the returned compliment is, it can sometimes come across as less than sincere or you risk the person thinking you were just returning the compliment. When you start with a compliment, there isn’t as much leeway for the interpretation of your intent: it’s a compliment.

During the toughest of times, things get a little tricky. For example, in these economic times when there are many men who are unemployed. If yours is one of them, it will be difficult for both of you. To get started, you may need an affirmation book (I’m only partly kidding with this one). If your man is at that stage, he may need you now more than ever, because when he doubts, he needs you to believe in him. He needs to know that you are behind him no matter what. These are the times for the DON’T WORRY sacrifice; when you have to convey something you want, and not complain about it. This is when you don’t go to the concert and plan a nice romantic evening at home. It will be hard to work overtime and then come home to review your new cover letter, but your devotion will motivate him to keep trying.

It is true that actions speak louder than words, but words can also be very powerful. As a therapist, when she worked with children who were aggressive and got into fights, I remember teaching them this statement: “Hands are for helping, not hurting.” They would memorize it and eventually we got to where they would say it out loud or just think it when they were angry and wanted to hit someone. This technique took time, but once mastered it had a good success rate. Adults get very involved in physical altercations, but can be hurtful with their words. Sometimes it’s due to anger or just an inadvertent slip, but once the words are out, they can’t be put back. The best measure is to place a filter between thought and verbalization.

Try this exercise that can be used with anyone in your life. When you are ready to say something, take a moment to assess the potential impact of the words you are about to say. By doing this, you will remind yourself that “words are meant to help, not hurt.” If you find that the words you were ready to say aren’t going to help the person, take a second to come up with a more positive response before you speak. Use words to empower him. The intention should always be to rebuild it, not sink it further.

Five things you can do:

1. Tell him you believe in him.
2. Show and tell him that he is appreciated.
3. Acknowledge your successes.
4. Wish him well when he’s down, if you pray tell him you pray for him.
5. Remind him how cool he is.

© 2009 Judi Cinemas