My local cable company recently started airing the Golf Channel. I can only assume this is because he couldn’t afford more uplifting programming like the Knitting Network or Drying Paint Television.

I just don’t understand why anyone would waste valuable time on the subway watching “jocks” in clown pants chase a small white ball around an oversized pool table. Perhaps if they filled the water hazards with live piranhas and had golfers dive in to retrieve their errant tee shots, I’d think about tuning in.

I find it much more productive to spend a Sunday afternoon lying in my La-Z-Boy watching football while drinking beer and burping the theme song from The Brady Bunch.

But there is a way to make televised golf at least as exciting as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theatre. Instead of the PGA or the US Open, all the networks have to do is broadcast a typical Saturday morning jaunt from hackers to the links.

I mean those weekend goofballs who take golf to a whole new level by playing with a reckless abandon normally seen in the NFL, NHL, or during the rush hour commute. I’m not sure if this is due to a sincere passion for the game or the two cases of Budweiser consumed during the round.

I can imagine what those normally serious golf announcers would say if they called one of these rounds of Fearsome Foursome. Here are some possible excerpts from a broadcast, with golf legends Bogey Vance and Hook Driver providing commentary:

hole 2

Bogey: Well Hook, it looks like Jackson just opened his fifth beer and we’re only on the second hole.

Hook: That’s right Bogey, I’m not sure how he does it. He’s putting those Budweiser away like he’s John Goodman at a buffet table. I wonder if he will be able to finish the round.

hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just nailed his tee shot into the woods for the fifth straight hole, a new course record!

Hook: What an amazing round! Jackson is on his way to beat his worst score. Wait, what is he doing there in the woods? Is he driving the wedge out of him?

Bogey: No Hook, I think he’s pulling his… oh my god! I can’t believe what he’s doing to that tree! Oh, humanity!… Um, we’ll be back after this word of TeePees, the only adult diaper designed specifically for golfers. Remember: the worse you play, the more you’ll need TeePees, the diaper of champions.

hole 14

Hook: Looks like Greely has taken over driving Jackson’s cart, he just didn’t have it today.

Bogey: That’s right, Hook. I saw this come back on the 11th hole when Jackson drove the cart onto the gallery. Boy, did that crowd sure break up in a hurry. It was like Moses in the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh no, Peterson just threw his club in frustration for the sixth time today. Be aware! He’s heading straight for us! You better — (THUD!)

Bogey: We’ll be right back after a few words about ClubHead, the only pain reliever made specifically for golfers… MEDIC!

hole 18

Bogey: After 12 hours, we hit the final hole, with only two golfers and one announcer standing. It’s getting dark and luckily the round is about to end.

Wait, don’t look now, but Jackson seems to be coming to and… what is he doing? He’s trying to drive the car again! He’s heading straight for the water…he’s in the water! I hope they can get it out in time; those piranhas look hungry.