Do you need to find someone who tries to understand what you feel? Historically, our culture has taught us to keep our feelings in check, and the expression of grievance is often seen as a sign of weakness. Add to this the fact that the emotions most commonly associated with grief—anger, guilt, and depression—have a tendency to isolate and keep people at a distance. All of this converges at a time when one of the most valuable coping techniques is needed, a trusted partner (or partners) who will be with you.
Can we break the isolation barrier to deal with complaints? The answer is yes.
For starters, let’s not forget that positive human interaction is one of the most critical components of good mental health. Many psychologists emphasize that the quality of our interpersonal relationships is just as important as the food we eat or the vitamins we take. We are social beings who thrive on interaction with others. The need for a friend, family member, or other support person during the grievance process is essential to building a nurturing community if we are to avoid unnecessary suffering.
Specifically, the ideal support person allows us to grieve our way and not direct the course of the grievance. Therefore, we first need good listeners, who are not afraid to be around pain. Some of our friends may be good at helping with chores and getting things done, but they are not good at listening. This suggests the importance of recognizing the advantages and disadvantages of your support network and the need for more than one caregiver.
● Don’t be afraid to ask for help at this distressing time. The search for support obviously begins with close friends and family who may or may not be very helpful.
● As a result, others whom you do not consider close friends, as is often the case, may be more sensitive to your needs. At some point, you may need to educate your support system by telling them exactly what you need at any given moment: to be alone, to talk about what you’re feeling at the moment or that you need to cry, and not let your crying upset them.
● If your family and friends can’t give you the support you need, especially over a long period of time, find a support group at your local hospice, hospital, or church. This may be necessary when some support people think you should be getting over it and start to abandon you. Education about the normalcy of your experience can be an important outcome of any group. Much can be learned about grievances and grievance work, and often you may be able to connect with someone else who is going through a similar loss. Helping each other in the listening process is often a healing experience for both.
● In the meantime, learn as much as you can about coping with the loss. Ask your support group leader, the bereavement coordinator at your local hospice, or your local librarian for reading recommendations for you, as well as others who have experienced similar losses. Look on the Internet. There are many helpful websites that have chat rooms where you can ask questions of others who are further along in your complaint than you are. One can become the complaint partner you need. Do a Google search on complaints and you’ll find plenty of options.
In the final analysis, your choices, your wisdom, the action you take will play a key role in how you deal with your loss. And your support network can be of great help. You know your needs better than anyone. Decide who you think is best equipped to meet those needs and be your partner on the journey to managing your loss. So take steps to reinvest in life.
